Little did I know that my blog on 2/15/2009 would the last entry about me talking about Skita while she was alive. I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. I keep saying out loud, "This can't be real." Skita will call me soon. She will ask to speak to Abayomi and all will be as it used to be.
Sadly, it is VERY REAL. I have not been able to write anything because my brain has been too jumbled up with words, emotions, pain, grief and lack of sleep. I am a nurse, why did I not see that Skita was living out her last hours? Retrospectively, I can see signs now by some of what she said to me, but at the time, I was totally oblivious to the signs. I have received over a hundred voicemails and emails. The expressions of condolences have been both grand and simple, heart wrenching and thought-provoking. THANK YOU. The outpouring of love & concern have been somewhat overwhelming at times, we are grateful. This child of mine touched so many of you that I wonder how it is that I was entrusted to care for her?
I have been asked by many of you to write what I remembered while with Skita those last 7.5 hours of her life. I have not had the guts to do so because to write it would make it real. Well, I signed a document today to pay for a plot of land in the cemetery for my daughter's final resting place on this earth - THAT WAS REAL ENOUGH FOR ME. STOP READING NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW, OTHERWISE, HERE I GO....
On Thursday, 2/19/09, I went to see Skita at Marian Franciscan. I was aware she had had a pretty rough morning with nausea, vomiting & shortness of breath. However, when I got there around 5:50 PM, the vomiting had stopped but her heart rate remained elevated and she was short of breath. She had the fan on at full blast in her face. The oxygen was increased and she was given an Albuterol breathing treatment to help - all to no avail. I had just had my hair done and had chopped off quite a bit - she remarked that I looked very beautiful and too young to be her mother. She advised me to go home for my husband to admire the new hairdo but I remained & reminded her Henri was with Abayomi at the swim practice. I told her I wanted to stay with her anyway and that I would go home later.
When I still did not leave at 8:00 PM - which is when the front entrance to the nursing home is closed - she asked her nurse to bring me orange juice because she did not want me to get weak since I had not eaten! All this while, she is still breathing pretty fast. She said she could not get into a comfortable position and was a bit fidgety in bed. She put her feet out on the side of the bed where I was sitting & into my lap. When I lifted her feet, they were icy cold. I asked if she was feeling cold and she told me NO. I proceeded to put on her warm socks anyway. Yes, she grumbled - I won because I am Mother and she couldn't take them off herself anyway!
By 9:30 PM her nurse was sufficently worried enough to call her doctor for an order to send her to Froedtert Hospital. Apparently they had suggested sending her out just before I got there but Skita had refused. Since her oxygen level could not be determined and it was difficult to get a blood pressure reading, her nurse really felt she needed to be sent out for further evaluation. Skita bemoaned the fact that it was Thursday and if she went out nothing much would be done and she would remain in the hospital over the weekend (many of us have heard that complaint!) - I encouraged her to go anyway. Throughout all of this, Skita was very alert. We talked about Abayomi's birthday party, his classmates who attended, what I was up to for the weekend (joining friends for lunch on Sunday in Gurnee Mills), the reason I cut my hair (it was breaking), watch the Oscars, etc, etc. Abayomi even called when they got home - he said he was tired - he swam on Tuesday, went to a swim meet at Pulaski High School on Wednesday, where he won more ribbons, and had just come back from another swim practice. No reading or much talking from him - he was literally falling asleep while talking to her. They said their goodbyes. She asked me to call her cousin as she needed to tell him something, but he did not answer so she asked me to leave a message. She said he would probably see her number and call her back the next day, Friday.
By about 9:50 PM the Paramedics (2) arrived. Skita knew one of them and they chatted with her about her going back to Froedtert. However, because she had her Morphine going, those two could not transport her so another team of Paramedics, who were licensed to transport her with the Morphine drip, were summoned. Once again, one of the two had returned her to Marian Franciscan on 2/5/09 after she was discharged from Froedtert. They joked with her again about loving Froedtert Hospital a little too much. Anyway, she was quickly bundled up to be transported. She told them to put the nursing home white sheets on the gurney because she was not going to allow them to take her blue bed sheet as she would never get it back - being in charge as usual. I went and got the white sheet for them. As she was being wheeled out I got in front of her, gave her a kiss and told the guys to take good care of her. The only thing she took with her was an ipod her friend had recently given her, loaded Carrie Underwood music. She reminded me to take her dirty laundry, which I already had, and to go home to get something to eat and that we would talk later. I sat in my car and watched them get her into the ambulance. I called Henri to say I just wanted to follow her to the ER because I really wanted to hear what was going on with her. Henri offered to come but I told him, it was nothing serious, not to worry, and that I would be home as soon as I knew what was going on with her.
Around 10:15 PM I was allowed to go to the ER room she was in. I called Flossie but she did not answer so I left a message. Skita was still alert and talkative. She said she was glad I was there because I could answer the questions if the doctors came in and started asking what was going on with her. She lucked out and got a doctor who actually KNEW HER! So she was spared what she called the "silly questions" - "Why don't they just read my chart before coming in here to me?" ( Many of you knew that really frustrated her whenever she went to the ER, the same questions over and over again after 7 years with this Scleroderma.) I sat with her as her nurses switched over the Morphine line to their own. She instructed them to give me the Morphine pump for Marian Franciscan so that I could return it in the morning. Blood was drawn for lab tests, an EKG was done, oxygen was changed over to a mask - which she did not care for because it prevented her from drinking and chewing on her ice chips. I told her that's why I was there to spoon her the ice chips whenever she wanted. Her nurse brought her two warm (literally warmed up) blankets and snuggled her up.
Skita even cajoled the x-ray technician to do a portable x-ray because she "did not feel like going anywhere". He obliged her and sure enough came back into the room with his machine got the chest x-ray done - she remembered him too from a previous visit! He called her by her name. Once again, she asked her nurse to give me some orange juice as she feared I would surely pass out since I had had no food since noon. Again, I was given juice which I dutifully drank to please her. We chatted, she had me call her best friend to ask if her daughter had listened to the birthday message she had left. Her friend told her she would be by to visit her on Friday once I let her know which ICU Skita would end up in.
Around midnight, she said I really looked tired and that the hairdo was falling apart! She said I should find out where she would be, then leave and come back early in the morning before going to my office. I told her I preferred to wait for at least another hour. Again, she was still alert and speaking clearly. We talked off and on about inconsequential things - she nodded off a few times but easily aroused from sleep when the doctor or nurse came into the room.
At 1:00 AM I left her room to speak with her doctor, just to find out the plan so I could go home and rest. She was right, I really was tired and hungry. I was told her white blood cell count was normal, there was no fever nor sign of any infection, her lines were clean and fine, that they were waiting for one more blood test result and that her oxygen level was pretty low, 88% (from the arterial blood gas test, ABG), but that her cardiac enzymes were really high. Her doctor said her heart was really working hard plus her breathing was still quite fast and that she would definitely be admitted to the ICU - she was actually about to call the unit to give report on Skita in order to transfer her. She remarked that of all the times she had seen Skita this was one of the "better days", for a change she was talking coherently and alert.
About 1:05 AM or 1:06 AM, I went back into her room. She startled awake and said she thought I had left. I pointed out that my coat and purse were still there and that I had only gone out to talk with her doctor. I was at the foot of her bed so I reached for her feet under the warm blankets and commented that her feet were still icy cold and what was up with that. She removed the mask from over her nose & mouth and asked if I would take care of Abayomi. I flippantly said of course I would and then said wasn't I already taking care of him? Why was she worried? In that instant Skita took a deep breath and her chin just dropped onto her chest.
She was not breathing. I screamed for help, shook her legs and ran to her right side to lift up her chin. Her eyes were already dull and lifeless. It felt like a switch had been turned off in her eyes because they stared back at me but Skita was not there. In an instant I was surround by medical staff and quickly put to the side as she was assessed. Because she had verbally requested not to be intubated or given CPR even if her heart stopped, her wishes were granted. As much as I pleaded for something to be done, in my heart I knew Skita was already gone. Another machine was wheeled in to detect a heart beat - there was no heart beat. At 1:24 AM, 2/20/2009, she was pronounced dead.
Then the Liberian crying & wailing started. Although surrounded by medical staff, I felt I was alone with Skita. They were visibly shocked. There was not a dry eye in that room because they were all surprised at how quickly she had expired. She shocked her ER doctor - Skita died from Respiratory Arrest and not Cardiac Arrest as they would have expected. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I had. The questions running around in my head - why had I not let Henri join me? Why didn't I see that she was dying? How come she ran into so many people she was familiar with? Was this God's way of welcoming her? Were those his advance team of angels to make her feel relaxed and safe? She was not as sick as she had been in September 2008, why did she have to die tonight? Why was she trying to get me to leave? She was concerned about me even while living her final hours, why? How come she made it to Abayomi's birthday? Was that her plan all along? Why did I answer her so flippantly about caring for Abayomi? Was she really dead? If I stayed in the bed with her, would she some how take my breath and wake up? Yes, I had/have questions.
Oh yes, I climbed in the bed with her. Forget about the hair. I rocked her, I called her name over and over, I kissed her, my tears were all over her. My DNA would have been found all over her had they checked. The nurses cried with me, they called my family and soon Henri, Vermon, Jill and Flossie were with me. I lost all sense of time - I really do not remember how long I rocked her and lay in the bed with her until the nurse said I really needed to get out of the bed as they needed to unhook her from all the machines. It must have been really weird for them to see a grown woman act so distraught, but I really did not care what anyone thought at that point. I had lost my child and there was nothing, nothing, any of them could do to help me get her back. If I recall we did not leave until after 4:30 AM. I had to speak with the Medical Exminer as well as the ER Chief MD. Henri gave other necessary information because it was difficult for me to stay out of Skita's room. Some how, they got all the information they needed.
I did not sleep for the next 24 hours. While a part of me was glad she was at peace now, no more pain and suffering, a selfish part of me still wanted to be able to hold her hands, hear her laugh and speak and call me "Mother" when she wanted to cajole something out of me. I was blessed to be Skita's mother. Her last couple of years have been especially challenging yet she relied on her faith in God to help her cope. She often would tell me not to worry because God had not fixed her room yet. Well, at 1:24 AM on 2/20/09, God had her room ready and He was not patient, He needed her there urgently and she obeyed after hearing that her son would be cared for without question. I told someone, a light has gone out on this side but an angel earned her wings in Heaven's Courtyard. Skita will watch over her son, I know it, and in doing so, she will keep watch over us all.
I cry not because I am angry with God but because I miss her so much and because I wish I had said something better to her about Abayomi. I know she was aware we love him & will care for him, she just needed that final reassurance. Did I mess it up? I cry because I am happy she got her wish not to die alone and not to die in the nursing home. I ache inside when I see Abayomi crying at night now because he misses their bedtime routine. With help from our families and Skita's extended group of friends, we will all help Abayomi grow into the young man his mother dreamed he would become. Although she did not reach her goal (she had wished she could live until he was 10 years old), she has influenced him in many ways. She did her best, but now her journey is done.
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4
Join us as we celebrate Skita's life and home going to God on March 13 & 14, 2009 in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. Information about her services will be fully available soon. Add a splash of pink to your attire if you attend, it was her favorite color. She would get a laugh at splashes of pink everywhere in the church!
God bless,
Marilyn